I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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