who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
