Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This is the high leading the old right now
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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