Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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