I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
