when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
