genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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