Since when is my name a synonym for head?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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