And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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