you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
