I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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