How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
