Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
