I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
