I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
