If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
