Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
