I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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