HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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