JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
