My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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