i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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