come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
