someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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