I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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