I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
