I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
