My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
