Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
