but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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