Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
