His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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