so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
