Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
