I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
