we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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