She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
