Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
