Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
