I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
bring money and cleavage
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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