4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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