If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she looked like the before picture.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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