I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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