I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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