My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
