took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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