Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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