And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Randomize
