why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
