Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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